January is a good girl...for now


I want you to want me. I need you to need me.
I’d love you to love me.

- Cheap Trick



November 2005

Still nothing and I needed answers.Why wasn’t I dating a winery owner? A pilot? A hotelier?I couldn’t say his name without kicking something or throwing something on the floor of my apartment: tissue boxes, cans of soup or clothes yanked from my closet. Unbreakable stuff.In the least I deserved angry Jack sex. Fuck the shit out of me, fuck out whatever rotted inside of me and solve my world. If I couldn’t get answers, I would take his bed. Desperation birthed new humiliations and settlements.I called him.“I’ve been very good…stopped drinking.”

December 2005
We hung out while I was his ‘good girl.’A few weeks later in bed I bit off more gristle.
“What are we doing, is this going anywhere, I can’t take this.”“Bring it down from a 10 to a 2.”“Bring what down?” I asked.“Your craziness, sweetie.” He squeezed the middle of my body.
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